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Hospitals Capture People Who Come In For Coffee And Bill Medicare A Million Dollars For Really Good Coffee

Hospitals capture people who come in for coffee, or who just want to get out of the heat for a while.

In an unprecedented move to stay afloat in These Here Troubled Times, hospitals have taken matters into their own latex covered hands. When people walk in for whatever reason, maybe just to see if the hospital is open, medical personnel come rushing at them from all directions, take their temperature, put one of those funny jackets on them with the arms that tie in the back, and find a bed for them in a room with a door that locks from the outside.

If they come in for an actual condition, the hospital does not release them into the wild again for two weeks, citing Covid-19, and the fact that someone in the vicinity of the hospital had it.

This came to our attention when an anonymous source revealed that his ex-wife had a UTI, so his daughter took her to the hospital to have her checked out. They treated her and then told her she would have to stay for two weeks since someone in the hospital had been sick. Hospitals have rapidly run out of bed space due to this strange policy of hosting sick people and then capturing the not so sick.

The hospital then sent her family a ransom note–made up of letters cut from a magazine–stating their intention to keep her, along with instructions on how much the insurance company would have to come up with in order for her family to get her back.

To ensure against opposition and escape, hospitals no longer allow visitors. Your family will not be able to breach the entrances to rescue you– err…get you released– because those entrances have been outfitted with medieval style moats, gates, and cauldrons of boiling tar resting precariously on the roof.

The hospital where this woman was captured has been renamed. It is now called St Bastille of the Holy Billing Cycle. Her family is not likely to recognize her, if and when she returns, but thanks to her generous contribution in insurance payments, the hospital will be dedicating a wing in her honor.

This Post Has 4 Comments

  1. David

    The MTA, if it had your credit card number.

    1. Gigi

      Haha! Swear, I just heard this story today from one of the pool peeps. His ex-wife has been captured. Terrible! Now, what’s the MTA? The Metropolitan Transit Authority?

        1. Gigi

          That’s what I thought you were referring to, but wasn’t sure. Love that song!

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